Bitch or bitchy, or being labeled as such is SO harsh in our society. I don't know ANYONE that wants to be one, even if affectionately known as one by girlfriends. It certainly hasn't been MY desire to be seen as one, but I BELIEVE I'm starting to NOT CARE. Not that I want to repel anyone, or want to be obviously or relentlessly bitchy to ANYONE, but I truly want to return back to the innocence of the AUTHENTICITY of ME. As a child, I told people what I thought. I didn't care about the outcome. I was free. Of course, there were some other obviously bitchy behaviors I relentlessly partook in, such as bullying my church friends for their offering in exchange for friendship. We won't go TOO far into those. (hehe) But, What I DO KNOW is, there have been sometimes where I think I was actually BITCHY. Like for real. lol Perhaps I didn't think that person mattered. Perhaps I was showing off for friends. But I will say that in my socialization and programming, and re-programming, I learned that people don't like when you're bitchy, nor do they like it when you make them feel uncomfortable, nor do they like honesty. They get offended, they view you in a certain light, and if you treat THEM a certain way, YOU will receive the same treatment in return. I'm probably getting ahead of myself by saying this now, but... what if that which OFFENDS is my truth? I mean, I'm sure I've treated people "mean," in my day. I'm certain I've seen myself as ABOVE some things and people in my day. Nonetheless, at what point did I learn to appease others at the expense of my voice??? Furthermore, why does how I truly feel about something have to have a label on it? "mean.." "Bitchy" etc
Deep sigh and almost tears as I write this. .................................................
And I'm back. Over the last several years, I've launched a campaign for my VOICE, my sacred SPACE, and the rights I have to define and express them freely as I RE-CLAIM, and RE-MEMBER and RE-COLLECT my authentic self. Your authentic self is who you are when you're not afraid. Your authentic self is what you want to say, but won't say, because you want to be liked. Your authentic self is who you ARE - not WANNA be - but aren't yet, when you allow what you've learned to overrule what you KNOW. Wheww.... Pause....
And I'm back. What I KNOW is as a preacher's kid, I learned to be polite to church people and not church people(lol), no matter how rude or invasive or inappropriate they come across (I'll be fair here, these labels/judgments are my interpretations and perspective, but MY blog so…) What made me BITTER is occasions where someone tried to take away my right to be BITCHY. "ewww what's wrong with you?!" "well, you know to whom much is given, much is required..." "you know Kalilia, she doesn't give the folks the TIME OF DAY..." DANG! Can I live?! lol Anyway, I'm not sure if my parents directly taught it, but I don't think so. I believe I watched the way they allowed people back into their space over and over who'd given them their behind to kiss. I watched how they were hurt, but had what is known as a pastor's heart, and forgiven over and over and over. I've watched how they didn't put someone in their place until they got super pissed. You see, my parents are the kind of pastors you WANT. They give people chance after chance after CHANCE. They are encouraging of people's DREAMS within the DREAM (which is huge because some leaders don't encourage individuality). They don't zip right out of service. THEY actually call and visit as many as they personally can. They don't defer to their congregants as weak minded individuals that need direction from some royal throne. They actually give people ACCESS, and call, and people actually can and DO call their HOME! Gasp! But I just wish they'd have been a bit more BITCHY. I love what they do in the name of love. But there are times, when my parents did not say NO when they needed to, to set BOUNDARIES when they wanted to, and honor their time and voice. I KNOW much of their struggle is shared among spiritual leaders across the WORLD... Something I'm learning to UNLEARN, as they actually learn to do the same.
What I KNOW is, at some point, I started caring what people thought. I became overly polite, agreeing when I didn't agree, being silent when I wanted to speak up. This results in implosion, explosion, and if not dealt... with bitterness. You want to fit in, you want to keep the peace, so you stay silent. You hear how others are talked about when they are "bitchy," and you don't want to be THAT person. You don't want to be isolated or labeled, ostracized or left out. You also want to be "the bigger person," or a "good Christian." But if that means I cannot be who I TRULY am? I don't want it. NONE OF IT. It's all an illusion anyway, and it has and will continue to make me BITTER. It's like you're guilt-tripped or religious-tripped (made that up) to be super docile and to deny yourself of your true desires, your authentic VOICE... I refuse to be bitter in the name of God, holiness, Jesus, or Santa Claus! (hehe) I refuse to silence my voice so I can be invited to things or kept in the loop or highlighted or appreciated or valued... If I'm not being my total self, you aren't inviting ME, or including ME, or appreciating ME... you are in love with or infatuated with, or praising an ILLUSION... my REPRESENTATION... A lot of us are hypocrites. We devalue the authentic voice of others in the name of religion, being polite, or WHATEVER, and use terms such as "BITCHY" and "mean" to control others because YOU are in bondage and not free enough to be YOURSELF. Selah and a deep sigh.
I remember a couple years ago, when I exploded because there were obvious elephants in a room, and my outburst was met with gasps and "well, I nevers..." Of course I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I felt SOOOO good. And after that outburst, I determined to express myself totally in that situation. This caused a bit of confusion, and perhaps some hurt... but that is because I was taking the mask off. My representation is what they had before. What they were getting in that moment was and is the real me.... although a bit heightened because I'd been keeping it in for too long. Whew! Glad that's over. But I'm working on not repeating that moment. I've created this space for myself where authenticity lives. Does this mean it's alwayyyys easy to say exactly what you mean in everyyy moment? Well, for me? No. Because there are different people and personalities, challenges and circumstances.. and honestly, I'm the type that is in shock first when dealing with a new situation... and I also try to be mindful of HOW and WHEN to say it. Perhaps that filter is me still holding back the authentic me at times. Perhaps it's me learning how to say things in love vs spewing it out. But I am determined to be BETTER vs BITTER even if it's seen as BITCHY. Does this mean I will just start giving people a piece of my mind everywhere I go? Not sure.
Since there were some times when I carelessly BLURTED something out, and it didn't have anyyyything to do with love, and truth, and my voice as a tool of healing for self and others, I'm sensitive so as not to be abusive, abrasive, and careless with my words. But even now, I see those experiences taught me some things. Got me to this point. I now see myself as an extension of others. I try not to separate myself, and label "them" as "them," but I'm learning to keep my mirror in tact, where humanity is ME, and I am humanity. This is STILL a work in progress, but I think my INTENTION and my POSTURE create the immediate variation between me being obviously "bitchy" and me walking in my truth, which MAY be interpreted as such. I do know that I want to be... no I AM... BETTER. I'm better because of my decision to BE. I'm better because Bitchy or not, none of these words and descriptions can truly capture the total essence of ME. I'm better because I'm not allowing my voice to be suppressed or silenced, and not making room for bitterness. I realize that the dark places in my life are JUST as valuable as those that get the most light because it's HONEST, and it's an OPPORTUNITY. I'm continuing on my path, setting my intention, and I'm not afraid to go into those dark places because those places reveal who I truly am, and how to get to the next phase.
Bitchy, bitter, or better... they all have have their place and role in my life. They actually have worked together to get me to THIS point. But one thing for certain, two things for sure: I'm determined to honor my authentic voice, whether it's bitchy or not... and I won't allow any label keep me from that. Yes, it's a process, but here. I. AM.