A while ago, I was watching Being Mary Jane (a BET show), and a scene kind of "preached" to me. Mary Jane was calling an old "friend" to make sure they were in good standing, after some issues had transpired. At first, it seemed like she really wanted to make amends, stating how she really wanted the "old friend" to help her with some business opportunities, and wanted them to hook up. But then something shifted. She realized that the only reason why she was calling to mend things is so she could "save face." She decided in that moment to be brutally honest, and came clean that she was only using potential business promises to lure the "old friend" back in personally, and that she had other prospects to consider on the business end. She was being inauthentic, hoping to lure the "old friend" back in to make her feel better about herself, and to hopefully change the "old friend's" view of her from past interactions. It was amazing how a light clicked on, and she came clean in that moment, deciding to keep it 100 as they say.
The sermon? She no longer cared to misrepresent herself, for the sake of trying to impress or please someone else for some faux or pretentious friendship. She no longer wanted to have someone entertain HER from a superficial foundation. She no longer wished to lie or cover up to save face with someone who is going to think what they want to anywayyyy! *cue the organ.
Have you ever felt like, maybe someone misunderstood you, or wrote you off based on their perception, not your intention? Did you want to go back to make sure it was clear what you were thinking, what REALLY happened, how you did really care, why you acted or reacted a certain way, or how you didn't mean something? Or did you want to go back and take up for yourself, and tell someone how something made you feel? Do you find yourself struggling with how you and an "old friend" mesh together? Or don't mesh? Or fake mesh? Yes, me too. But that was THEN.
I've come to realize that, whoever is FOR ME, is FOR ME. If anything is/was misunderstood, but the opportunity isn't "right" to address it, I can simply say a prayer over it and let it go. Of course you don't get to hold stuff in and let it fester. So you can do one or ALL of a few things:
1. Journal about it.
2. Have a mock convo with the person (saying everything you would to them).
3. Have a convo with yourself, empowering and affirming yourself (be honest about why it even matters, and why you feel what you feel).
4. Forgive the person/forgive yourself, say a prayer, let it GO, and move on. There may be an opportunity for a conversation in the future, but don't worry about it now.
So then, what if you're on the other end of the spectrum, where someone wants to hash and rehash some minor details that really don't matter in the grand scheme? You have a right to say no, not now, or not ever. I'm reminded of a few conversations I've entertained, where someone is looking to blame or bring up old stuff they never mentioned before. I'm reminded of times where I felt misunderstood, where I've chosen to explain my intentions to someone I felt should KNOW. I'm recalling times where someone felt the need to come back over and again to explain something, hoping to regain their position. And I say that day is over. *cue the church organ again! Lolol Either we love each other or we don't! Life is too short to spend energy explaining or listening to someone explain when you both know your intentions are good. For some conversations, it's just a little "too late," the season is past, and it just isn't worth the energy. Sometimes, you can just let it all go, and move on in love together. Or perhaps it's just over. Period. That's when you realize that the person's energy doesn't belong or no longer fits in your space, or that you may be a misfit for a particular space. Iffff the opportunity presents itself, maybe you can build something new, on a fresh foundation. But the old is over. No more luring and hashing! I'm spending my energy on building my NOW. I've released the past, and what anyone thinks about me "ain't" NONE of my business!
Ooh! And as a bonus: no one should lure others back in or allow others back in your space because you feel like you "should" or keep the communication open to prove you are still "cool." At that point, you're trying too hard, and it's not authentic. Essentially, don't do what really isn't real. I don't care what they're going through or you are going through, if it's fake, the efforts were futile before you even carried it out. Love from a distance always works. Prayers FROM A DISTANCE are just as effective. No one is obligated to send a "thinking of you" note just to make either of us feel better, and to prove either of us is a so-called decent person! Lol I'm laughing because... Just because... If you get it, you get it. Xo