I'm not a Christian!

There, I said it! I just keep coming more and more OUT of the CLOSET. It's funny, to say you're not a CHRISTIAN, when you're licensed and ordained by the Christian church. Well, let's examine my declaration for a moment... WhatEVER do I MEAN?

When I say I'm not a Christian, I am saying, I don't ascribe to a religion ABOUT Jesus, that is incomplete truth. I'm saying, I don't follow a system that has been constructed to keep a few in power, and the masses begging for a power outside of themselves. I'm saying, I don't believe in a gospel, that preaches abundant life and prosperity and robs the people blind... of.. their freedom, their money, and of the TRUTH. The people that claim to represent Christ will convert you, but not touch you... will call you a brother or sister in Christ, but won't break bread WITH YOU. Sunday morning and Saturday mass are still one of the MOST SEGREGATED SETTINGS. In Christianity, social status, color, denomination, rituals, education, and fear divides. A religion that is supposed to be based on a foundation of love, "no greater love than this..." "for God so loved the world, lacks that very notion, as it asks you to be other than yourself, to deny yourself, to HATE yourself. There's a God OUT THERE, that is amazing, all powerful, beautiful, and wonderful... and this ole nasty flesh.. these things that make us human, are filthy rags, unworthy... and yet, SOMEHOW we are still found worthy. The sustenance of the church DEPENDS on these and other lies. So, I've decided. I no longer want to be a part.

Perhaps I should be clear. When I say I'm not a Christian, I don't believe it's a full statement. Perhaps I should say, I am not a Christian because I don't believe in labels. Or if you call me ANYTHING, call me a student. Or if Christian means a follower of Christ, one that is striving to complete and manifest Christhood within... maybe. Perhaps the BEST thing you can call me - if any title will suffice - call me FREE. In the weeks and months to come, I am interested in unpacking this "Jesus" and getting to know HIM... versus the religion set UP about him. This Jesus, who may have walked in ancient times more than once. This Jesus that has roots in Egypt, perhaps studied in Asia with Buddhists monks, perhaps attaining nirvana as a yogi. This Jesus that cannot be confined to ONE RELIGION or ONE NAME or ONE SPACE and TIME. Yeshuah some say.. others see Krishna as similar..  others see Jesus in Horus...

Here I am. Not a christian. Entirely. Not NOT a Christian completely. A student, and a teacher. Free and unable to be martyred for lies. This is my emancipation. Much more to be said. More to be learned. I digress.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Kissing Judas

I don't believe this will be a long post. I've stumbled upon something that reallllly struck me. I'm reading a book, and it refers to Judas - the one who betrayed Jesus - as unfaithful and disobedient. Instantly, my mind played Devils advocate. I know that - by and large- that Jesus was betrayed by Judas, who was in his inner circle and supposed to be gleaning from and providing support to Jesus. I also know that ultimately betrayal is a seemingly bad thing, and that experiencing it is painful. I also know that Jesus trusted Judas, as he trusted the twelve, to be true to the established brotherhood. And what makes things worse? Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss! When we listen to, talk about, and study this story of betrayal, Judas is presented as this unworthy, out-of-pocket individual... The antagonist in the story that the devil swayed to kill our beloved Jesus. Whyyy would he DO such a thing?! Jesus TRUSTED HIM! But here's where I take a turn with a what if... What if Judas WAS being obedient? What if, perhaps, he WAS being faithful?! Not that betrayal doesn't hurt, not that there weren't other expectations of him. But if Jesus came to earth to fulfill a particular mission, and ultimately completed that mission... Was Judas not as important and as valuable in the grand scheme of things?? Betrayal or not, if Judas hadn't kissed Jesus to signal that he was "the One," would the mission have been fulfilled?

It makes me wonder how faithful we should be in our anger and hurt toward those people and situations that "betray" us. This paradigm shift may ultimately cause one to appreciate the Judas(es) in one's life. Is the goal to ultimately accomplish one's purpose, or to be able to comfortably identify who is for you at all times?... Anddd to remain comfortable with those people/in those environments? Is the goal to stay where you are, as you are, with the same folks from day one, or is the goal to get to the desired end/your purpose/destination? Im not sure yet, but I BELIEVE I'm contending that those that appear to be conspiring "against" us may actually be working FOR us. In fact, these entities may have been hired by the Divine as a conduit in the Grand Plan. I think of situations in my life that almost left me bitter and unforgiving, situations where it seemed someone betrayed me and left - perhaps even LED - me to the wolves. These situations may have showed up initially as betrayal resulting in hurt with a side of anger, but the byproduct has been strength, courage, the power to forgive, and relentless gentleness and self-love. Kinda makes me look at "Judas" a bit differently. Kinda makes me wanna go ahead and kiss Judas my darn self! Because I realize that even if it's unexpected, or a bit painful, and even if Judas is someone I never considered to "watch out for," that if it pushes me toward my purpose, I can trade the anger and sadness for gratefulness for Judas. As a matter of fact, I'd like to say thank you to Judas right NOW for doing EXACTLY what you were supposed to do at the RIGHT TIME! Maybe Judas knew exacccttttly what he was doing, and maybe he didn't. Maybe he didn't realize that he was a part of the plan, but at some point, his actions lined up. We don't always get the why and the when, but thank you Judas! When you kissed me, you helped validate that I'm "the ONE," and pushed me toward my purpose! Whew-wee!

I'm not saying I'm LOOKING for betrayal, nor am I welcoming the pain of disappointment (duh) but I'm trading my sorrow, my victim mentality, blame, shame, and any other games I may attempt to play with myself when my fave fruit in the basket goes sour... I may ask why or have a moment, but if it gets me a step closer to my dreams, visions, and purpose, KISS ME Judas! Now where's the mistletoe?!

Bitchy, Bitter, or Better??

Bitch or bitchy, or being labeled as such is SO harsh in our society. I don't know ANYONE that wants to be one, even if affectionately known as one by girlfriends. It certainly hasn't been MY desire to be seen as one, but I BELIEVE I'm starting to NOT CARE. Not that I want to repel anyone, or want to be obviously or relentlessly bitchy to ANYONE, but I truly want to return back to the innocence of the AUTHENTICITY of ME. As a child, I told people what I thought. I didn't care about the outcome. I was free. Of course, there were some other obviously bitchy behaviors I relentlessly partook in, such as bullying my church friends for their offering in exchange for friendship. We won't go tooo far into those. (hehe)  But, What I DO KNOW is, there have been sometimes where I think I was actually BITCHY. Like for real. lol Perhaps I didn't think that person mattered. Perhaps I was showing off for friends. But I will say that in my socialization and programming, and re-programming, I learned that people don't like when you're bitchy, nor do they like it when you make them feel uncomfortable, nor do they like honesty. They get offended, they view you in a certain light, and if you treat THEM a certain way, YOU will receive the same treatment in return. I'm probably getting ahead of myself by saying this now, but... what if that which OFFENDS is my truth? I mean, I'm sure I've treated people "mean," in my day, I'm certain I've seen myself as ABOVE some things and people in my day, but at what point did I learn to appease others at the expense of my voice??? Furthermore, why does how I truly feel about something have to have a label on it? "mean.." "Bitchy" etc

Deep sigh and almost tears as I write this. .................................................

And I'm back. Over the last several years, I've launched a campaign for my VOICE, my sacred SPACE, and the rights I have to define and express them freely as I RE-CLAIM, and RE-MEMBER and RE-COLLECT my authentic self. Your authentic self is who you are when you're not afraid. Your authentic self is what you want to say, but won't say, because you want to be liked. Your authentic self is who you ARE - not WANNA be - but aren't yet, when you allow what you've learned to overrule what you KNOW. Wheww.... Pause....

And I'm back. What I KNOW is as a preacher's kid, I learned to be polite to church people and not church people(lol), no matter how rude or invasive or inappropriate they come across (I'll be fair here, these labels/judgments are my interpretations and perspective). What made me BITTER is occasions where someone tried to take my right to be BITCHY.  "ewww what's wrong with you?!" "well, you know to whom much is given, much is required..." "you know Kalilia, she doesn't give the folks the TIME OF DAY..." DANG! Can I live?! lol Anyway, I'm not sure if my parents directly taught it, but I don't think so. I believe I watched the way they allowed people back into their space over and over who'd given them their behind to kiss. I watched how they were hurt, but had what is known as a pastor's heart, and forgiven over and over and over. I've watched how they didn't put someone in their place until they got super pissed. You see, my parents are the kind of pastors you WANT. They give people chance after chance after CHANCE, they are encouraging of people's DREAMS within the DREAM (which is huge because some leaders don't encourage individuality), they don't zip right out of service, THEY actually call and visit, they don't defer to their congregants as weak minded individuals that need direction from some royal throne. They actually give people ACCESS, and call, and people actually can and DO call their HOME! Gasp! But I just wish they'd have been a bit more BITCHY.  I love what they do in the name of love. But there are times, when my parents did not say NO when they needed to, to set BOUNDARIES when they wanted to, and honor their time and voice. I KNOW much of their struggle is shared among spiritual leaders across the WORLD... Something I'm learning to UNLEARN, as they actually learn to do the same.

What I KNOW is, at some point, I started caring what people thought. I became overly polite, agreeing when I didn't agree, being silent when I wanted to speak up. This results in implosion, explosion, and if not dealt... with bitterness. You want to fit in, you want to keep the peace, so you stay silent. You hear how others are talked about when they are "bitchy," and you don't want to be THAT person. You don't want to be isolated or labeled, ostracized or left out. You also want to be "the bigger person," or a "good Christian,," But if that means I cannot be who I TRULY am? I don't want it. NONE OF IT. It's all an illusion anyway, and it has and will continue to make me BITTER. It's like you're guilt-tripped or religious-tripped (made that up) to be super docile and to deny yourself of your true desires, your authentic VOICE... I refuse to be bitter in the name of God, holiness, Jesus, or Santa Claus! (hehe) I refuse to silence my voice so I can be invited to things or kept in the loop or highlighted or appreciated or valued... If I'm not being my total self, you aren't inviting me, or including me, or appreciating ME... you are in love with or infatuated with, or praising an ILLUSION... my REPRESENTATION... A lot of us are hypocrites. We devalue the authentic voice of others in the name of religion, being polite, or WHATEVER, and use terms such as "BITCHY" and "mean" to control others because YOU are in bondage and not free enough to be YOURSELF. Selah and a deep sigh.

I remember a couple years ago, when I exploded because there were obvious elephants in a room, and my outburst was met with gasps and "well, I nevers..." Of course I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I felt SOOOO good. And after that outburst, I determined to express myself totally in that situation. This caused a bit of confusion, and perhaps some hurt... but that is because I was taking the mask off. My representation is what they had before. This was/is the real me.... although a bit heightened because I'd been keeping it in for too long. Whew! Glad that's over. But I'm working on not repeating that moment. I've created this space for myself where authenticity lives. Does this mean it's alwayyyys easy to say exactly what you mean in everyyy moment? Well, for me? No. Because there are different people and personalities, challenges and circumstances.. and honestly, I'm the type that is in shock first when dealing with a new situation... and I also try to be mindful of HOW and WHEN to say it. Perhaps that filter is me still holding back the authentic me at times. Perhaps it's me learning how to say things in love vs spewing it out. But I am determined to be BETTER vs BITTER even if it's seen as BITCHY. Does this mean I will just start giving people a piece of my mind everywhere I go? Not sure.

Since there were some times when I carelessly BLURTED something out, and it didn't have anyyyything to do with love, and truth, and my voice as a tool of healing for self and others, I'm sensitive not to be abrasive, and careless with my words. But even now, I see those experiences taught me some things. Got me to this point. I now see myself as an extension of others. I try not to separate myself, and label "them" as "them," but I'm learning to keep my mirror in tact, where humanity is ME, and I am humanity. This is STILL a work in progress, but I think my INTENTION and my POSTURE create the immediate variation between me being obviously "bitchy" and me walking in my truth, which mayyy be interpreted as such. I do know that I want to be... no I AM... BETTER. I'm better because of my decision to BE. I'm better because Bitchy or not, none of these words and descriptions can truly capture the total essence of ME. I'm better because I'm not allowing my voice to be suppressed or silenced, and not making room for bitterness. I realize that the dark places in my life are JUST as valuable as those that get the most light because it's HONEST, and it's an OPPORTUNITY. I'm continuing on my path, setting my intention, and I'm not afraid to go into those dark places because those places reveal who I truly am, and how to get to the next phase.

Bitchy, bitter, or better... they all have have their place and role in my life. They actually have worked together to get me to THIS point. But one thing for certain, two things for sure: I'm determined to honor my authentic voice, whether it's bitchy or not... and I won't allow any label keep me from that. Yes, it's a process, but here. I. AM.

Quiet Confidence

Not sure if you're in a similar place, but I find myself growing and changing, ebbing and flowing, and deciding what/who belongs in my sacred space. I've been dealing with myself and challenging myself... Well, the challenges come as a result of my openness to processes. Oh trust, it's not all pretty. But it's oh. So. Motherfreaking. Good. One concept that I'm grasping is self-worth and confidence, on a trillion(to the trillionth degree). It's so interesting to think you're confident until you start peeling off layers and dealing with "you." It's interesting how we confuse being in control with confidence, being loud with confidence... I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I've been learning SO much! It has been interesting to realize a "love myself" campaign is appropriate and in order, when I didn't really know there was any need. I suppose it's because I've always been in a class of my own. People tell me or have told me over the years, for instance, how only I can pull off certain fashion efforts (which, hasn't always come across as a complement lol). I've been praised for not caring what people think,for being the one that is unafraid to walk when things and people no longer serve me. I'm the one that treats myself, spends time with myself... I've taken myself to Paris, Tokyo, Vegas, etc... I never had issues dining by myself, drinking by myself (tea or otherwise), dancing with myself in a club FULL of "other," partying with myself... my best mate, bud, and dance partner. But, those things are so LOUD. The clothes, the travel, the dancing. Oh, and they're always amazing in that they celebrate "me." But those things, those loud things, are just representations of the real me. The true me. The one I get to deal with and talk to when it is QUIET. When I'm not moving. When I'm not posting on some social media outlet, or surrounded by all things LOUD.. friends, parties, designer labels, handbags, laughter, acceptance, validation, promotion, complements. Do you get where I'm going with this? LOUD=External. Loud=how many "friends" you have... Loud=how many "likes" you get. And while I'm on it, social media is the loudest. It is social media that often creates the most issues in terms of avoiding the quiet, and also in terms of the lies, the facades, the comparisons... On social media, the more flashy, the more "beautiful", the more confident, funny, wild, popular, trendy, connected, rich, or "ratchet" you appear, the better... The more fairytale, the most likes... Posts of privates jets.. Or travel... Of wedding engagements and of "a good man will... And of dear future wife" posts. It's certainly not all bad, this social media thing that I'm a part of, but I wonder how many people that are being so loud, are truly confident and truly OK when things get quiet? Furthermore, how many people are trusting the "LOUD" they see, creating a standard based on the LOUD they see, when it could ALL be a lie. On a fundamental basis, the comparisons occur, where you wish you were as pretty, as thin, as curvy, had as many friends as, knew celebrities like, had connections similar to, and had the income, the business sense or successful business as.... Them. Particularly in relationship comparisons, we want what matches the loud posts... The flowers, the trips, the "I said yes," the #wcw, the #mcm, and so forth and so on. This post isn't entirely dedicated to social media and its "LOUD", but social media certainly represents the LOUD that we hear that causes us to question ourselves and our position in the world, as well as the LOUD that we create so that we don't have to hear, well, the silence. When will this post turn around to the hope? lol Ah yes, here it is. Back to me. Back to us if you're on the same page. What I've been working on, investing in, is a QUIET confidence. Confidence that is internal and works its way OUT, versus external that works its way in. Confidence that needs no validation. Quiet confidence knows what label she is wearing and won't post it, even if it'll get a lot of likes (there's that darn social media reference again). Quiet confidence doesn't have to make something seem pretty to make others feel good about a "less than perfect" situation. It doesn't have to make someone believe in a non-existent fairytale of a perfect relationship (oh, we're good), a perfect life with perfect finances and perfect peaceful posture at all times. Quiet confidence is being vulnerable with those that can handle it, those that are worthy, and sometimes with a total stranger... Yep! Total! Because quiet confidence knows that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. Quiet confidence is knowing that you are SAFE... to be honest, to be soft, to slow down, to connect, to BE. Quiet confidence is gentle. Sweet. Has nothing to prove. Quiet confidence is truly built during quiet times. When you're listening. When you're talking yourself through some things. When you're processing. But it doesn't stop there. Quiet confidence is a set up for external manifestation of dreams and visions. It sets you up for healthy relationships and healthy communication with others. It is what diminishes your comparisons with the LOUD people. It is what stands one upright and firm, when something makes NO sense to your loved ones and when considering the common thoughts and status quos of the day. Quiet confidence will help you create and maintain YOUR reality and personal fantasy and fairytale that YOU get to create based on NO ONE else's standards and expectations. The "a man is supposed to," and the "a real woman is," dissipates, as quiet confidence trades in those concepts for a unique, wonderful experience.  Quiet confidence is how you build and maintain your JOY, your PEACE, no matter WHO is around. Quiet confidence doesn't brag or boast, but doesn't need to hide, or be afraid to shine. You don't have to be flashy or extra to be validated, to get attention. There is nothing worse than the person that you KNOW is naturally quiet, being extra LOUD to fit in/be clear. To be clear, there is NOTHING wrong with a LOUD celebration.. of self, of life, of family, of friends, of promotion, of growth, etc. When you dance, I hope you dance HARD, and laugh out LOUD. And I hope you board as many private jets in your Valentino to every country and continent your dreams will allow. I hope you get the love you want, need, and deserve. I hope you start that business, complete that program, finish that work, cut that album, and so forth and so forth... I hope you do your missions, serve the less fortunate, and give to charity. I hope you open your heart to truly forgive and let go, and give second chances. But above it ALLLLL, I hope you remember to build your quiet confidence.. a confidence that is REAL and true with self, that when the LOUD clears, there is a trusting that things are working for your good, a knowing that you - stripped all the way down - are enough, and a belief that all is well and will be well.

Feeling Settled in NOW!

So, I'm doing Deepak Chopra and Oprah's 21 DAY Meditation Challenge on GRATITUDE. We're only on day TWO, and it's SO GOOD already. Today, Deepak told us that as we release gratitude, there's an exchange that happens, and more blessings come into you life. All I could think about was the church folk saying "when the praises GO UP, blessings COME DOWN!" This is obviously a universal concept.

But it reminded me of some decisions I've made to release some things, and the radiant NEWNESS that has come into my life as a result. I'm SO GRATEFUL that I understand this law. Sometimes, we want to hang on to what is familiar, even when it no longer FOR us, no longer WORKING, and couldn't hold a LAMPSHADE to the LIGHT that wants to INVADE our space. I thought about some opportunities I surrendered JUST for where I am now. Just the other day, I received a call for an opportunity on the "old page," and decided to hold out for a POTENTIAL situation on my NEW (NOW) page... I didn't know how it would pan out, but I trusted this law, and I trusted and honored where I am now. Potential has turned into reality, and I passed the test. I can hear everyone in an experiential workshop I participated in SCREAMING at me "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?" Well, I chose what I want(ed), when it was just a "ghost" and it manifested.

I feel settled and like I'm RIGHT where I belong. And it feels DAMN good. (Mon francais, je m'excuse...but this is the way I'm feeling). It feels SO good to be free, and to receive the GOOD that I've been avoiding, as I've nursed my complacency, fear and desire to "fit in," and not be "different." Freedom lives here. I love myself like a mug! lol And I love my NOW. Wouldn't trade it!

Invisible Boxes

There is such a thing as an invisible box. One day recently, after saying how limited I was feeling, someone told me that no one can hold me down.

Self -moment: I wish I knew my own power.  Then, I'd know it to be true. Then, I wouldn't second-guess myself. Ugh. 

But this invisible box thing... it makes perfect sense.

Invisible boxes are what we allow to hold us back because of the memory of our past, because of our fears, because of our own conceptions and misconceptions and perceptions about ourselves.

Many times, we allow the way we THINK people perceive us, to box us in. This isn't even totally dependent on - but has a lot to do with - self perception, self image, self belief. But it doesn't always have to do with what we can and cannot achieve. It can be as simple as a relationship that we deem one way, and have boxed ourselves in based on assumption. The surprise comes after an event or series of events, when you realize that the issue wasn't the "issue," but your perception of the issue that you placed into a box, limited to one space, one way, based on your judgments.

That's what it all boils down to after all... your judgments of yourself, of how things are, and how you allow yourself to be boxed in based on the opinions of others... or your perceived opinions.  Just walls of fear and doubt that you've created in your mind that actually can become QUITE tangible if YOU allow.

The bottom line: You are your own warden. You are you own gatekeeper. So, set yourself free. Boxes are invisible. They simply do not exist.

Spherical relationships

I had an amazing talk with my mom today about relationships... I'm in transition of sorts in this area, as I am being honest about some things I once denied. I also have found terminologies to "give voice" to my feelings. 

There have been a few key relationships in my life that have changed tremendously over the last few years. I've tried to make sense of some things, but ultimately, trust that rifts cause SHIFTS... Many times, we don't shift or change anything we are comfortable with until they become uncomfortable. (Hello!)

So, lately, I've been trying to figure out the how's and the why's and the "what nows" of some of my relationships, as I open up to the TRUTH in these situations. What I'm sharing is what I've learned about myself, and about relationship spheres from my mom today.

Some relationships are great until someone sees that you're not all you're hyped up to be... I.e. Human.

Everyone isn't ready to deal on the same level of authenticity or lack thereof. 

Sometimes, thinking about others that are in your life IS a way of dealing with self (as I tried to figure out why I kept dwelling on "them" when I wanted to focus on ME.)

People in your life exist in particular spheres of your existence. Sometimes, you try to make them fit into another sphere, or THEY try, but it doesn't work. You're only supposed to go to the club together, you're only work buddies, etc so don't try to put them in your accountability circle or make them a best friend. Your best friend may actually be the person you speak to the least during the week, but when you talk it's GOLD... She/he may not come out to your happy hour event, so don't try to put her/him in that sphere. Lol

The moment you surrender how things are supposed to be, and accept what IS, is the moment peace comes.

Your idea of friendship is not always the same as the other party(parties). 

The same way you can relegate others to particular social or emotional spheres in your life, they also have that freedom. Don't take it personal. What God has for YOU is for YOU!

Love is just love. Continue to give it freely, knowing that there will be bumps on the road of relationship because that's life... 

Relationships require work, but some levels of "work" aren't applicable to all situations. If it's a surface dealing, don't try to make it an authentic, meaningful interaction. Btw, everyone's definition of authentic and meaningful interaction MAY be different.

Expectations are the devil. The end. Lol 

Xo, the Beautiful Dawn

When You Reject Yourself!

in ,

My sister and I have been talking about SELF-REJECTION lately... What it is, you ask? Simple. It's folks not taking risks or not involving THEMSELVES based on what they think OTHERS will do or are doing. It's dis-inviting yourself and isolating yourself for whatever reason. Self-rejecters say, no one gets me. I'm too weird. I'm too different. You anticipate rejection, and not fitting in. Essentially, self-rejecters are mind readers and projectors. Sometimes, you ARE different. Sometimes, you DON'T fit in, but you BELONG. The Universe is VAST with friends and resources for you. But!!!!! What you SAY is, they won't get me anyway. What you SAY is, they didn't invite me, they must not want me there. What you SAY is, I won't invite them, because they won't come anyway. What you reallllly should be saying is, I feel like an outcast. What you reallllly should be saying is, I want an invitation. What you realllly should be saying is, I miss you/them. Soooo... How you can change it? Be available. Be visible. Be open. And don't ASSume. lol Some of us belong to another tribe than that represented around us. That's ok too. But you are still worthy of an invitation. You are still worthy of an rsvp. You still belong and can have fun, and DON'T have to sit in a corner. YOU are valuable. Don't reject yoursel

I know...

It's the look in his eyes.

the way he says "you're mine" when he grabs my thighs...

its a knowing.

a breathing in, and a pull from within.

its a connection.  That can't be untied. 

Luring for Likes

I was watching Being Mary Jane (BET show), and a scene kind of "preached" to me. Mary Jane was calling an old "friend" to make sure they were in good standing, after some issues had transpired. At first, it seemed like she really wanted to make amends, stating how she really wanted the "old friend" to help her with some business opportunities, and wanted them to hook up. But then something shifted. She realized that the only reason why she was calling to mend things is so she could "save face." She decided in that moment to be brutally honest, and came clean that she was only using potential business promises to lure the "old friend" in for friendship, and that she had other prospects to consider on the business end. She was being inauthentic, hoping to lure "old friend" back in to make her feel better about herself and to hopefully change the "old friend's" view of her from past interactions. It was amazing how a light clicked on, and she came clean in that moment, deciding to keep it 100 as they say. The sermon? She no longer cared to misrepresent herself, for the sake of trying to impress or please someone else for some faux or pretentious friendship. She no longer wanted to have someone entertain HER from a superficial foundation. She no longer wished to lie or cover up to save face with someone who is going to think what they want to anywayyyy! *cue the organ. Have you ever felt like, maybe someone misunderstood you, or wrote you off from their perception? Did you want to go back to make sure it was clear what you were thinking, what REALLY happened, how you did really care, why you acted or reacted a certain way, or how you didn't mean something? Or did you want to back and take up for yourself, and tell someone how something made you feel? Do you find yourself struggling with how you and an "old friend" mesh together? Or don't mesh? Or fake mesh? Yes, me too. But that was THEN. I've come to realize that, whoever is FOR ME, is FOR ME. If anything is/was misunderstood, but the opportunity isn't "right" to address it, say a prayer over it and let it go. Of course you don't get to hold stuff in and let it fester. So you can do one or ALL of a few things: journal about it, have a mock convo with the person(saying everything you would to them), have a convo with yourself (ask why it even matters, and why you feel what you feel), forgive the person/forgive yourself, say a prayer, and let it GO. There may be an opportunity for a conversation in the future, but don't worry about it now. And if you're on the other end of the spectrum, where someone wants to hash and rehash some minor details that really don't matter in the grand scheme? You have a right to say no. I'm reminded of a few conversations I've entertained, where someone is looking to blame or bring up old stuff they never mentioned before. I'm reminded of times where I felt misunderstood, where I've chosen to explain my intentions to someone I felt should KNOW. I'm recalling times where someone felt the need to come back over and again to explain something, hoping to regain their position. And I say that day is over. *cue the organ! Lolol Either we love each other or we don't! Life is too short to spend energy explaining or listening to someone explain when you both know your intentions are good. For some conversations, it's just a little "too late," and isn't worth the energy. Sometimes, you can just let it go, and move on in love together. Sometimes, it's just over. Period. That's when you realize that the persons energy doesn't belong in your space, or that you may be a misfit for a particular space. Iffff the opportunity presents itself, maybe you can build something new, on a fresh foundation, but the old is over. No more hashing! I'm spending my energy on building my NOW. I've released the past, and what whoever thinks about me ain't NONE of my business!

Ooh! And as a bonus: don't reach out because you feel like you "should" or to keep the communication open to prove yall are still "cool." At that point, you're trying too hard, if it's not authentic. Essentially, don't do what really isn't authentic. I don't care what they're going through, if it's fake, because you want to make it seem like yall still have a "bond?" Lol it was dead before you even did it. Love from a distance always works. Love and prayers FROM A DISTANCE are just as effective. I don't have to send a "thinking of you" if it's not real... Just to make you feel better or ME feel better because I'm being a so called decent person! Lol I'm laughing because... Just because... If you get it, you get it. Xo